I'm not the...
kiss, a simple kiss
you tease me with, your crimson lips
your laughter shows me where i've gone astray
So i woke this morning to my mother crying because she can't get a new car, and no one in the rest of the family will help her. They don't understand the way her life is... and all i can do is sit here and try to help the best i can.
But honestly, i am so tired, and so lonely, and i need to do things for me. Not to sound selfish, and really, if you don't know me, this will... but when will someone else do things for me?
A scenario was presented before me the other day, and it was honestly the best thing i could ever dream of, but all it was was an idle thought, something that will never come to fruition, and that kills me inside. I want to be able to surrender to what is, and what is to be. I want to live and let live. But why is it that in all of this, i am last? Why can't my happiness be as important to me as everyone else's? Why can't my happiness be as important to anyone, as everyone else's?
This will make all of you twelve steppers laugh, at least those of you that get it... I am listening to "Thirteenth Step" by A Perfect Circle. It should be helping, but it isn't.
God damn me. I am not asking for that much, i never would do that. I say these words now like it will help, like she will read them and change her mind... She won't even read this, so fuck it. Honestly, i am so glad she is happy. What should i even do? I am never going to be happy with things as they are.
No one knows how badly i want to just get fucked up and never return. Never once have i ever given in to that, but i need to find a way to change how i feel. I need to find a way to make it through or to end it quickly.
I begged for help in a txt to her earlier. The funny thing is, her phone is off for the weekend, so she can't hear me. How fucking lame am i? I am reaching out in all directions hoping someone will care. You know, i don't think anyone ever will again, if they ever did. The thing is, i know she cares. I know it... and that makes me feel good... Yet, come the end of the day, i want the little things that make me feel better and i don't care how that effects anyone else. I want what i want for me and i couldn't care less about anything else right now.
A friend of mine is in the hospital. I won't talk about it, but my thoughts are with him.
I don't really have a good resolution for this post, because i don't think anything will get any better... so i am just going to go.
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Sitting in the mourning sun...
I have landed at Alex's place in Needham. Just sorta sitting around so i decided i would update. Having some trouble with my Sitemap.xml, though i am not really sure why. Maybe i am not having as much trouble as i think i am. We'll wait and see Google in about 24 hours when the site drops off because Googlebot can't figure out what the fuck is going on.
I took a new picture of myself. For everyone that doesn't know, which i suppose is everyone that hasn't seen me lately, Leanne shaved my head. Isn't that fun? 15 years of my life all gone.
Alex & Heather have just returned from Waltham. I am sure we'll get started soon.
I am still mulling through what to do with the ARCHIVE of past bloggings. Trying to design a view to organize everything, but the import module is only grabbing 25 of the posts. Argh.
And i am also grumpy because i can't get Doom to run on my phone. I don't have time to figure it out now, so i won't.
Oh, i got the remix done. It isn't very good, but i am sick of fucking with it. So...
The picture currently to the right is of Jeff. He is Alex's brother. He will not lick my third nipple.
Scott & I got a pizza for dinner. It is a greek pizza with Peppers, Onion, Mushroom, Pepperoni, & Sausage. Also, extra cheese.
Okay, time for me to go eat now...
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Fuck if i know.
I am trying to improve navigation of the site some. I have gotten the archive of the old brokensanity.net up and running, so i will link to the archive somewhere. A lot of it is uninteresting out of context, as i don't even know what i was talking about at times, but... it is a giant section of my life, so it is here.
Had an interaction with a pretty good artist today. Mr. Meeble. Sounds like Tweaker to me, so i diggit. I am going to try to remix one of their songs for you, we'll see how that turns out.
Today's song is "Chip Away" by Jane's Addiction. This remix sounds a LOT like us, just with Perry Farrell on vocals, which is cool to me.
Ended up playing Castle Crashers with Alex for a chunk of the evening last night. Alex really appreciates my level 26 Red Guy. He has power-overwhelming.
I am hoping that some money comes in soon from a project i am working on. For those of you that are local, the site is heimlichs.com. Go there for all of your gardening needs. (I know, i know... it isn't done yet... but it will be!)
I am thinking about an XML Sitemap. Google spiders be damned!
I have to make Woburnite.com as fancy as this site. I really enjoy the features i have added here at brokensanity.com.
I'll blog a bit later tonight from Alex's, we shall be geeking out.
Wow, link-heavy post today.
'til later,
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Visits
So, i had a nice visit with Leanne today. She is doing well, which is good for her. We talked about a lot. And i am just going to leave it at that... because if i rehash it one more time i will need to bury bodies.
So, Alex & Heather are coming to ambush-visit me. Hurrah! I told Heather that i am going to take their picture to place on the site. I am not really sure what the hell i am doing with the picture block over there, but it is amusing me.
I know i have made it a pain in the ass to browse my past entries... i think i am doing that with purpose though. I am actually thinking about doing a repost of all of the past brokensanity.net blogger entries in an archive here of some sort. I hope to hell that there is an easy way to automate that process though.
I have added another Nine Inch Nails remix to the mix. It isn't one of my better ones. I promise i will have that other remix done soon.
And egads! They are here. This may be a live posting night, so i shall return!
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Life on Mars
Take a look at the Lawman
Beating up the wrong guy
Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know
He's in the best selling show
Is there life on Mars?
I am taking a day off.
I can't explain properly why, so i linked to Life on Mars. I am feeling so alien right now, and i am not sure where to go with that. I am hoping that today's visitor will by alien with me, as i could use the company. But if not, my day off will be spent alone in the company of others.
I am wondering if there is catharsis in this blog if no one reads it? I take all this time worrying about other people and not taking account of my own shit, so i build this place here, where i can talk and hopefully connect, and i am fucking terrified that no one is going to even care. Isn't that funny? In the end i am selfish enough to get anxious that no one will read my little words on my little website.
I remember once where i read through 3 years of some woman's blog, and proceeded to harass her with the information inside, as some lesson to why you shouldn't put all your bullshit on a public webspace. Now, here i am, ten years later, doing the same fucking thing. I am such a hypocrite. I am the EPITOME of HYPOCRITE! (and that is a joke just for you, mademoiselle fou fille.)
Speaking of which, she is here. SO i am going.
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Cron and Beyond
So cron was all fucked up today, not entirely sure why... BUT it's working now. So i won't bitch.
I am still working on that remix that i spoke about the other day. I was going in a punky direction, but now i think it is going to be very electronic... No, i don't know why my mood changed, it just did.
With all luck, things will turn up tomorrow. I certainly hope they do, as i don't think i could handle being fucking lost anymore. I want to do some artwork (photography) tomorrow, hopefully i can.
Tonight's song is going to be Zero-Sum. I like this remix... I hope you do as well.
I am going to open up comments for everyone, so feel free to comment below. Should i add tagging to the site? I think i will.
Google went well today, by the way. Did a training on AdWords & Analytics. Not really sure how i'd use AdWords with this site, but Analytics will come in handy.
Oh yeah, we have a BitTorrent tracker now. I will probably distribute my remixes and original music that way. If you want in on the tracker, use the contact form above to get in touch, and i will let you make an account on the site.
Alright, sleep time.
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Two Twelve
So... it is morning. I should be sleeping since i have a training at Google in the morning, but i am not, i am up... Which is infuriating since i left Heather's place early due to sleepiness. I am waiting for my nightly call, hoping that it will come soon... Call dammit.
I have added my twitter feed below, i am hoping that you enjoy my updates. I will try not to get to ridiculous with the amount of updating i do. I am looking to do something wonderful tomorrow... Unfortunately i feel as though my version of wonderful and other peoples' version are two totally different things.
There is a latest image box, and a New Song box on the left now, as well as a search bar to get things going. I will be placing links up top to the archives for the songs when i get to it, but for now, you just get what you get.
If you remember seeing something on the site that you liked, but it appears to be gone now, try searching for it. I will be uploading as much of the archival content from the Brokensanity.net era as i can in spurts. Until i do, you get what you get from the site, i suppose.
I wonder often what happened and where i wandered off of the path i was supposed to go down, because i feel right now like i am not where i am supposed to be.
I am rethinking the classes i want to take this year... I am just not sure if i can do it. I need less stress, and more happy in my life. You hear me?! More happy.
It's late, i should get going. Goodnight.
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A fresh beginning.
So, I was in crisis last night, big surprise... And i decided that today i needed to do something for me, which is not something i do often, so... I am updating this site. This was my first web presence, starting way back in 1997 in one form or another, and i figure i should make myself present again.... it has been a while.
I was up most of last night remixing a song about cocaine. Fascinating, isn't it... I need to completely retool the remix though, so i will post it when it is ready.
I will start adding some of my music here and there, just so people can get a taste of what i am up to... and along the way i will post updates about where i am and what i am doing.
Because i am a sell-out, there will be a twitter feed added soon, as well as a PixelPipe widget of sorts that will link to my image something or other... not really sure how i'll implement that yet.
If you are here for the first time, thanks for visiting... if you are returning, come again soon as i plan to be less of an ass about things and update more.
Until next time...
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